Wednesday 19 March 2014

"I awake in a puddle of other people's piss."

 One wild train journey through Thailand


"Are you f**ing serious!?" This was my initial reaction when I found out we'd been ripped off by a rather greedy Thai man, named Ken, the man that had sold us our return trip to Bangkok. I'm not sure "ripped off" is an adequate term, considering we only got conned out of approximately £7.40 but as we were nearing the end of our time in Thailand, and we had grown rather accustomed to the reduced cost of living, 550 Baht for half a trip to Bangkok seemed like a lot.

Jordan, my travel buddy and I were on our way back from Koh Phangan, we had just ticked off a big wish on our bucket list - The Full Moon Party. As you can probably imagine, our mental and physical state was already largely compromised due to a very last-minute sprint to the port, add to that copious amounts of bucket cocktails and Chang beer and you get an idea of how we were feeling, now we are being told by a tour operator that he was in fact "serious" and our tickets were invalid, as they do not trust the establishment where we purchased our tickets, they were "Bad news" apparently.

After much bickering and stubbornness on my part we eventually purchased new ferry tickets to Surat Thani, where we could meet with the elusive Ken and resolve this issue.
The ferry journey was exactly what we needed to blow out the cobwebs and to come to terms with my new ridiculous tattoo - a misshapen star on the side of my hand, inked by a man of questionable hygiene with a sharpened piece of bamboo. For the record I do not condone entering a tattoo parlor under the influence of alcohol.

 
(Said tattoo, Fresh and unsterilized)

Finally on land, we reach a dusty barn that housed, not cows but a combination of hungover, mosquito bitten tourists, and stray dogs, this wasn't a barn, but the bus station. We resume our rather lackluster pursuit of Ken, we attach ourselves to a lovely Canadian woman who taught English to Thai children and had been on a quiet break to the neighboring island of Koh Samui, she spoke the language and seemed confident she could get everything sorted. Long story, short Ken was very apologetic and actually quite likeable. He gave our tuk tuk driver 350 Baht for each of us and ordered him to book us on an overnight train - not the spacious, bright pink, air conditioned coach we'd paid for, but a rickety old train all the way to Bangkok - an arduous 10 hour journey.

On arrival at the train station we discover that we've been booked in 3rd class, Oh Ken, you sneaky dog. Images of caged chickens, babies crying, and people sleeping on baggage shelves begin flying around my head. could it really be that bad? The station was a sombre setting, the faint stench of sewage that we'd grown so used to was now more prominent than ever, much like in the UK people were striving to avoid any eye contact with one another and almost everything in view was a dank shade of grey.

We wait on the platform, feeling sorry for ourselves, hangovers now in full swing, another backpacker catches our eye, he looks equally down-trodden, we strike up a rapport over our new found contempt for Ken. Deciding that this trip is already a write off, we purchase more alcohol from the one establishment in the entire place that seemed to possess any form of saturation - a seemingly neon food stand with a refrigerator filled to the brim with gloriously golden bottles. We board the train, beer in hand, with our new friend, whom I will now refer to as Dave to protect his identity, it was almost exactly how I had imagined, minus the chickens. An employee spots us and asks "You in the wrong carriage? You follow me." So naturally we do so.

 
(Surat Thani at the bottom of the pic is 635 KM away from Bangkok)

We're lead to one of the dining carts, illuminated by long florescent bulbs which obviously did wonders for our clammy, weathered faces, we catch a glimpse of each other and turn away in disgust at how vile we've become. we're greeted by some very friendly wait staff, they take us to a table and forcefully hand us menus, the unmistakable aroma of Pad Thai is now filling my nostrils, our waiter spots our bags full of beer and says something in Thai to another member of staff, they chuckle amongst themselves and say "naughty, naughty". We order some food that to all appearances is rather yummy, but it will later render Jordan unable to move without having to make a dash for a toilet.

Naturally, as the bottles begin to empty, we start to order various beverages from the menu, we're taken aback when asked if we could purchase a few beers for members of the wait staff but being as drunk and as irresponsible as we were, we wholeheartedly accepted their request. We laugh and joke as they join our table, convinced they're laughing at us as much as with us - we don't care, we keep going.

As we continue on our way things start to die down, some staff members bunk down under the tables with nothing but a pillow and their jacket, we're left with two of them, young men about our age, at this point I've had enough and I've put sunglasses on with the aim of sneakily snoozing while the party carries on around me. Jordan and Dave are still knocking them back with the staff members. Now, my memory is quite hazy as I kept coming in and out of conversations but I'm certain of this fact, the wait staff had began smoking opium and were sharing it with Dave. I begin to grow a little uneasy as the mood in the cart changes.

(Opium contains morphine and alkaloid, the chemical used to create heroin)
 
I remember their pupils widening so much, they almost resembled 2 great white sharks in hunt mode. I'm awake but my head is on the table and I have a pair of wayfarers on so no one can see me studying the room. Suddenly, Dave shoots up from his seat as if one of these sharks had butted him with their nose, Dave is convinced that one of the staff members has pointed at us and made an "injection gesture", this forced Dave to run up and down the cart frantically screaming things like "they're gonna kill us!" and "Stop the train, we're getting off!"

Jordan and I were now so inebriated, we'd reached the phase where we could only really make incoherent noises in a futile attempt to calm Dave down. As you may expect, this just spurred him on and he ran from the cart and into another, we can do nothing but shrug our shoulders in confusion and follow him. I didn't realize it at the time but our bill for the 3 course meal and alcohol would have came in at around 2000 Baht but there was absolutely no mention of it from the staff as we were rushing out the door.

Panic ensues when we get to the last cart and we realize we're at a dead end, A cart full of confused faces stare back at us, including the Canadian teacher from the ferry. We have no choice but to try and "blend in". Jordan, ever the master of subtlety crashes out in the middle of the isle, while Dave has now hidden in a luggage shelf, I have the master plan to go to a toilet cubicle and lock the door until we get to Bangkok, little did I know the toilet was nothing more than a stainless steel potty with a hole leading to the tracks - combine this with a shaky train and bad aim and you have yourself a rather futuristic looking piss pond.

(a fine example of a 3rd class Thai train toilet minus the pool of urine on the floor)

I get to the toilet, the motion of the train, the stench, and the alcohol finally takes it's toll and I find myself on my knees vomiting down a hole, watching the tracks passing by quickly underneath me. I'm too far gone to realize I'm kneeling in other people's urine, I pass out in there. I awake in a puddle of other people's piss, I have no idea how long I've been in there, I stagger to my feet and pear out of the small window, the sun is beginning to rear it's head on the horizon.


 I hear the crackly voice of a woman over the speakers "Next stop Rachaburi" confused I stumble out of the toilet, one side of my body still drenched in urine, I find Jordan spread eagle in the middle of the isle, I shake him and say "We're getting off, get your backpack." Without hesitation Jordan is doing exactly that, like a seasoned army trooper toughened up by months of rude awakenings and hasty departures just like this one. We look for Dave, he's not in the baggage shelf where I'd left him, according to the Canadian teacher he'd got off a few stops before.

The Train comes to a stop we leap off and begin to power walk towards the exit, half expecting to be stopped by a staff member, we keep our heads down and don't look back. We walk for what seems like twenty minutes, This is the first sign of a conventional looking city - wide tarmac roads, ATM machines and traffic lights but for the first time there is not a soul in sight. We finally come across a young man opening a shop, he spots us too, two white guys walking towards him, stinking of piss and speaking in English at 5 o'clock in the morning, "Can you please help us? we're lost, Where is the nearest hotel?"

The young man looks at us, up and down, he opens his fridge and hands us a bottle of water each, he calls out something in Thai, what I assume was his Grandmother comes out of the shop, she gives him a set of keys. He climbs on a scooter and says "1 minute" we're left with this sweet old woman just smiling helplessly at each other. He comes back and says something else in Thai to the woman, another set of keys is exchanged, he then tells us "No vacancy, now go far" he disappears for a moment and pulls up in a Toyota 4X4 we jump in perhaps rather naively, Our hearts are now in our throats.

After about 20 minutes of our hands hovering over the door handle, ready to tuck and roll, we pull up at a very posh looking hotel, the young man springs from the car and runs to the front desk, a smartly dressed concierge comes out to welcome us. We’re flabbergasted by the kindness and generosity shown by this young man, we thank him excessively and try to offer him money but he begs us not to, We stand, shell shocked as the young man drives away. 

After countless attempts to swindle us out of our money in various cities around Thailand our faith in humanity was now restored. Thailand managed to shock us in so many different ways but the most surprising way of all was the kindness and utter selflessness of one stranger when we perhaps didn't deserve it at all - He saw two people in need and literally went out of his way to help us, my biggest regret is that I never got his name so I could one day return the favor, so instead I dedicate this post to that young man as a sort of thank you (not that he'll ever read this).

































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